DANNY WALLACE
IS A MAN But he’s still learning
some of life’s hardest lessons
A day in
the life of a
rule-breaker
he story so far: suddenly
realising that my life has
become blighted by the
shackles of social convention,
I have vowed to have a day off from the
self-imposed rules that have told me
I must eat my five-a-day. That I must
walk briskly, drink two litres of water
and not sprinkle sugar on my corn flakes
or salt on my chips. That watching
Loose Women in the middle of the day
is in no way appropriate behaviour for
a 31-year-old man. That a Big Mac can
be followed by another Big Mac only
in the instance of the first Big Mac
having been consumed and digested
at least one week prior.
I am excited.
My friend Colin initially agreed to
join me on my thrilling day-long quest to
break the rules. But then he realised that
it’s a Wednesday, and on Wednesdays
he goes to the gym and then watches
The Apprentice with his missus. They’re
T
People who go to the cinema on their own
are odd. It is against the rules. I will go
like rules, he says. And rules like those
cannot be broken.
But I disagree. I have passion in my eyes
and a fire in my belly. I am Danny Wallace
– social maverick. Today, I will eat a Big Mac!
I leave the house, thrilled by my own
bravery. I am a man! I am a man reclaiming
my manhood! Not for me the petty
guidelines, protocols and etiquette of
modern-day living! Not for me the constant
worries about whether my behaviour is
frowned upon! Why should my bananas be
ONLINE AND ANGRY
I’ve started playing Xbox online. It’s
good – you get to talk to lots of different
people from around the world. Well, I say
‘lots of different people’. You get to talk
to nerds or very aggressive people. One
of them tried to start a fight with me.
“You wouldn’t mess with me if you
saw me!” he shouted. “I’m 6’ 6”!”
“Yeah?” I retaliated. “Well, I’m
6’ 6” and a half!”
16 / www.ShortList.com
Fairtrade? Who needs a dramatic focal
point in their living room? Who cares if my
carrot batons are organic?
I check my watch. It is 10.19am. I know
what to do. I head for the pub.
“You see?” I think, smiling as I carry my
illicit pint outside. “I am not alone in this!”
My eyes scan the tables around me.
There are men here. Real men. Men who do
not worry about how others see them. Each
has a pint and is staring into the middle
distance, lost, probably, in thoughts similar
to mine. On any other day, of course, they
may just look like loners, hunched over sad
morning pints on the fringes of society. But
not to me. To me they look like comrades.
OK, so one of them is talking to his feet. But
none of them looks like they’re concerned
about how much bran they’re eating, or
whether or not a can of Tango counts as
part of their five-a-day. And today, nor do I.
I sip at my lager. It tastes strange so
early in the morning. But perhaps this is
merely the taste of freedom. A taste I have
not tasted in quite some time.
I sit, quietly, revelling in my liberty. But,
like the Littlest Hobo, I must keep moving
on. I try to catch the eye of the man nearest
the gate as I leave, to perhaps raise a single
eyebrow at him and exchange a glance of
precious solidarity. But he is still talking to
his feet, and so I leave it. But he knows.
On I walk – slowly, not briskly – to the
high street. I pass McDonald’s. Not yet,
I think. Not yet, my little friend.
“What could I do?” I think. “I’m supposed
to be at home, working! Being healthy!
Being responsible! But I could do anything!
Go anywhere! I could walk into a travel
agent’s and buy a ticket somewhere – and
then not go! Or I could hail a taxi and say,
“Follow that cab!” and then follow one, with
little regard to purpose or money! Who
knows where I could end up? Limehouse?
“I weigh 240lbs!” he shouted.
“I’m 241 pounds!” I yelled.
“Where do you live?” he shouted.
“North
London!”
I yelled back.
“Me too!”
he said.
I switched
the Xbox off
and drew my
curtains.
Wealdstone? Dalston? The world is my
rule-free oyster!”
In the end, I buy a Twix and go to Dixons.
“I shouldn’t be in here,” I think, naughtily.
“There is nothing I need! Those TV
programmes are always telling you that you
shouldn’t go into places like this when you
don’t have a purpose! You’ll end up buying
something you’ll regret!”
I browse for a bit, but Dixons is actually
quite boring. I will not allow that to beat me,
though. I buy 100 Verbatim CD-R discs for
£11.99 – even though I know I can get the
same ones cheaper on the market! “Ha. Poor
Colin, missing a day like this,” I think. A day of
impulse and rule-breakery. He will not believe
his ears when I tell him what I’ve done.
I pass the cinema. I never go into the
cinema on my own. It is not the done thing.
People who go to the cinema on their
own during the day are seen as oddballs.
It is against the rules. I know there and
then that I will go.
But first…
“Big Mac, please.”
“Big Mac meal?”
“Yes please.”
“Drink?”
“Coke please.”
CHILDREN’S TELLY
My friend Jon texted me: “Danny, I’ve
an idea for a show. We get a load of
kids and say we’re doing a programme
on child labour, but in reality we don’t
film it and we get all our chores done
for free. What do you think?” If you run
a TV production company, I have a full
treatment available for consideration.
Kelsey Grammar’s
performance in Down
Periscope: enthralling
“Coke or Diet Coke?”
“Coke!”
I sneak the Big Mac meal into the cinema
inside my bag. The ushers know this but do
not seem to care. This is insanity! I think to
myself, shaking my head and nestling into
my seat. The film begins and it is rubbish.
I have no one to make sarcastic comments
to. There are two or three other lone men
watching the film. I eat my Big Mac in bored
silence and instantly feel a little ill. Also, the
pint has made me sleepy and I’m fairly sure
my Twix was off.
I leave the cinema disappointed. I look
around me and try to come up with another
rule to break. Another one that so-called
society and guilt tell me is set in stone. I am
looking for quite some time.
I am home by three o’clock, my initial
feelings of rebellion dampened. I smell of
Big Mac. I’ve Sky+’d Loose Women and
I try to watch it, but Kerry Katona is on,
so I switch it off.
I have a nap.
When I wake, I eat an organic carrot
baton and decide I quite like having rules.
And then I sit on the sofa and wait for my
wife to come home, so we can watch
The Apprentice together.
They later pleaded ‘not
guilty’ to all charges
PHOTOGRAPHS: KOBAL, GETTY
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